The Dirty Joke

Labels: DVD rental, VOD, WantedList, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 1:42 PM

A patriotic man was boasting about his sister, who disguised herself as a man and joined the Marines.

"But wait a minute," his friend interrupted. "She will have to dress with the boys and shower with the boys, won't she?"

"Sure," the man admitted.

"Well, won't they find out?" the friend asked.

The man shrugged and said, "Who'll tell?"

Labels: funny, humor, humour, joke

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 3:34 PM

A man came home very late to find his wife waiting at the door. "You've been out fucking around, haven't you?" she asked angrily.

"Nope," he said, smiling drunkenly.

"The explain the lipstick on your shirt!" she shouted.

"That's easy," he replied. "I used my shirt to wipe off my dick."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 11:26 AM

"How do you get a baby?" a little girl asked her mother.

"Mom and Dad make love," the mother said. "Dad puts his penis in Mom's vagina, and that's how you get a baby."

"Mom, last night I saw that Dad had his penis in your mouth," the girl said. "What do you get from that?"

The mother replied, "Jewelry."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 8:21 AM

A trumpeter is hired to play music for a movie but isn't told what the movie is about. Two months later, he receives a notice that the movie will debut at an adult theater. On the night of the show, he wears a trench coat and shades to avoid being seen and sits in the back row of the theater next to an elderly woman. For the next two hours, he watches a hardcore porn where the lead actress has sex with a dog.

"I wrote the score," the man whispers to the elderly woman partway through. "I just came to hear the music."

"That's nice," she whispers back. "I just came to see my dog."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 12:19 PM

A man escapes prison, breaks into a house, and finds a couple sleeping. He orders the husband out of the bed at knifepoint and ties him to a chair. While tying his wife to the bed, he kisses her neck for a minute. Then the criminal gets up and goes to the bathroom.

The husband hurriedly leans over and whispers to his wife, "This guy is an escaped convict. He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist - just do whatever he tells you, and with any luck we'll make it out alive. Stay strong, honey. I love you."

"Oh, he wasn't kissing my neck," his wife whispers back. "He was talking in my ear. He told me he thought you were really cute and then asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom under the sink. Stay strong, honey. I love you, too."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 2:38 AM

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, masturbation, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 1:51 PM

A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane and comes upon a young couple sitting in a car. Oddly, the guy is up front reading a magazine and the girl is in the back seat knitting. The cop knocks on the window and the guy rolls it down.

"Yes, officer?" he asks.

"I have to ask you," the cop says, "what are you two doing here?"

"I'm reading, sir," the guy responds.

"And what about your pretty friend in the back seat?" the cop asks.

The young man turns and looks behind him. "Well, officer, I think she's knitting a pullover sweater."

"All right, how old are you, smartass?" the officer barks, unamused.

"I'm 25, sir," the guy answers.

"And the girl?" the cop continues.

The young man looks at his watch. "She'll be 18 in exactly 11 minutes."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 12:35 PM

Did you hear what the bath tub said to the toilet?

"Yeah, I see a lot of ass, too, but I don't take any shit!"

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 4:09 AM

One hot day when the priest was out of town, two nuns decided to surprise him by scrubbing the church. The two sisters became so hot, they decided to take off their habits and work completely in the buff. Not long after, there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" the nuns asked nervously.

"It's the blind man," a man's voice replied.

"We may as well let him in," the more practical-minded of the two sisters decided.

They opened the door, and an old man walked in carrying a long narrow box. He turned to the two naked nuns and smiled. "For nuns, you've got some great tits."

Before the mortified nuns could answer, he tossed the box down and asked, "Where does the priest want me to hang these blinds."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, nuns

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 10:25 PM

A doctor is showing a nursing intern around the hospital. The doctor opens the door of the first examination room, revealing a naked man masturbating.

Embarrassed, the intern declares, "Doctor, that's disgusting!"

The doctor shuts the door and explains, "Mr. Kemp has a serious condition. If he doesn't pleasure himself four times a day, his genitals will swell to a painful size."

The intern calms down and the two continue. The doctor opens the next door to reveal a nurse giving a patient a blowjob.

The intern is shocked. "What the hell is going on in there?" she demands.

"The patient has the same condition as Mr. Kemp," the doctor explains. "He just has better insurance."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, masturbation, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 1:03 PM

During college orientation the chancellor address the incoming class. "The girls' dormitory will be off-limits to male students," he said. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 for the first infraction, $100 the second time it happens and $250 if he is caught again."

A male student stood up and shouted, "How much for a season pass?"

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 6:24 PM

A man walked into a doctor's office without an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" asked the pretty receptionist.

"I need some information from the doctor," the man siad. "It's rather embarrassing ... I have a large and almost constant erection."

"Well, Doc is busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 12:38 AM

Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the smacking
of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's good," Johnny said, "because he'd be fucked if he needed glasses."

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 8:59 AM

Two former college roommates met at a bar to catch up on each other's lives. "So how's it going with the ladies?" one of them asked the other.


"Women to me are nothing but sex objects," the other answered.


"Really?" asked the first.


"Yeah," the first replied. "Every time I ask for sex, they object."

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 11:58 AM

During a wedding rehearsal the groom and best man, two longtime friends and notorious playboys, began to compare conquests. The grrom looked over the crowd and said to his best man, "You know, except for my future wife, my two sisters and my mother, I've made love to every woman in this room."

"Well then," his friend said, "between the two of us we've had them all."

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 7:30 PM

Q. Why did Britney Spears shave her head?
A. She wanted the drapes to match the carpet.

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 4:39 PM

Two coeds went to the movies one night. In the middle of the feature, one girl leaned over to the other and whispered, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating."

"Don't do anything," her friend said. "Just sit there and ignore him."

"I can't," the first girl replied. "He's using my hand."

Labels: dirty, funny, joke, masturbation

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 2:53 AM

A husband asked his wife to go to the hardware store and buy a door hinge for him. She went to the store, picked out the hinge and headed to the cashier. The clerk noticed that she didn't have any fasteners for it. "Do you want a screw for that hinge?" he asked.


"No," she said, "but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window."

Labels: dirty, funny, joke

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 1:44 AM

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What is a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What is the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What is the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What is the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How do hillbillies practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What is the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 2:14 AM

There's a new radio station on the airwaves called WPMS. It has a monthly programming cycle that gives you three weeks of the blues and then one week of ragtime.

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 12:33 AM

"My man is hung like a horse," a woman bragged to her friend.
"Mine's hung like a baby," the other said.
"Really, that small?" the first asked.
"Not really," the second replied. "It weighs seven pounds and four ounces."

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 12:08 PM

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

Three new Club Jenna sites:
Club Stormy Daniels
Club Alexis
Sophia Rossi

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 10:55 AM

Two deaf people get married. During their first week of living together, they find it difficult to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights. After several nights of fumbling and misunderstandings, the wife decides they need a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "we need some simple signals in the bedroom. If you want to have sex, just reach over and squeeze my left breast once, and if you don't want to have sex, squeeze it twice."

"Great idea," the husband signs back. "And if you want sex, pull my dick once; if you don't want to have sex, pull it 150 times."

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// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 11:35 AM

One day a little boy comes home from school and finds his parents having sex.

"Hey Daddy," yells the boy, "horsy back ride, horsy back ride."

The dad thinks about it for a second and figures it would be harmless. "What the heck," he says. "Get on."

So the boy gets on his dad's back, and after a few minutes the mother really starts getting ito it.

"Hang on, Daddy," the boy yells. "This is where me and the pool guy usually get bucked off."

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 11:29 AM