The Dirty Joke

A man came home very late to find his wife waiting at the door. "You've been out fucking around, haven't you?" she asked angrily.

"Nope," he said, smiling drunkenly.

"The explain the lipstick on your shirt!" she shouted.

"That's easy," he replied. "I used my shirt to wipe off my dick."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 11:26 AM

"How do you get a baby?" a little girl asked her mother.

"Mom and Dad make love," the mother said. "Dad puts his penis in Mom's vagina, and that's how you get a baby."

"Mom, last night I saw that Dad had his penis in your mouth," the girl said. "What do you get from that?"

The mother replied, "Jewelry."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 8:21 AM

A trumpeter is hired to play music for a movie but isn't told what the movie is about. Two months later, he receives a notice that the movie will debut at an adult theater. On the night of the show, he wears a trench coat and shades to avoid being seen and sits in the back row of the theater next to an elderly woman. For the next two hours, he watches a hardcore porn where the lead actress has sex with a dog.

"I wrote the score," the man whispers to the elderly woman partway through. "I just came to hear the music."

"That's nice," she whispers back. "I just came to see my dog."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 12:19 PM

A man escapes prison, breaks into a house, and finds a couple sleeping. He orders the husband out of the bed at knifepoint and ties him to a chair. While tying his wife to the bed, he kisses her neck for a minute. Then the criminal gets up and goes to the bathroom.

The husband hurriedly leans over and whispers to his wife, "This guy is an escaped convict. He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist - just do whatever he tells you, and with any luck we'll make it out alive. Stay strong, honey. I love you."

"Oh, he wasn't kissing my neck," his wife whispers back. "He was talking in my ear. He told me he thought you were really cute and then asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom under the sink. Stay strong, honey. I love you, too."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 2:38 AM

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, masturbation, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 1:51 PM

A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane and comes upon a young couple sitting in a car. Oddly, the guy is up front reading a magazine and the girl is in the back seat knitting. The cop knocks on the window and the guy rolls it down.

"Yes, officer?" he asks.

"I have to ask you," the cop says, "what are you two doing here?"

"I'm reading, sir," the guy responds.

"And what about your pretty friend in the back seat?" the cop asks.

The young man turns and looks behind him. "Well, officer, I think she's knitting a pullover sweater."

"All right, how old are you, smartass?" the officer barks, unamused.

"I'm 25, sir," the guy answers.

"And the girl?" the cop continues.

The young man looks at his watch. "She'll be 18 in exactly 11 minutes."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 12:35 PM

Did you hear what the bath tub said to the toilet?

"Yeah, I see a lot of ass, too, but I don't take any shit!"

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 4:09 AM

One hot day when the priest was out of town, two nuns decided to surprise him by scrubbing the church. The two sisters became so hot, they decided to take off their habits and work completely in the buff. Not long after, there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" the nuns asked nervously.

"It's the blind man," a man's voice replied.

"We may as well let him in," the more practical-minded of the two sisters decided.

They opened the door, and an old man walked in carrying a long narrow box. He turned to the two naked nuns and smiled. "For nuns, you've got some great tits."

Before the mortified nuns could answer, he tossed the box down and asked, "Where does the priest want me to hang these blinds."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, nuns

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 10:25 PM

A doctor is showing a nursing intern around the hospital. The doctor opens the door of the first examination room, revealing a naked man masturbating.

Embarrassed, the intern declares, "Doctor, that's disgusting!"

The doctor shuts the door and explains, "Mr. Kemp has a serious condition. If he doesn't pleasure himself four times a day, his genitals will swell to a painful size."

The intern calms down and the two continue. The doctor opens the next door to reveal a nurse giving a patient a blowjob.

The intern is shocked. "What the hell is going on in there?" she demands.

"The patient has the same condition as Mr. Kemp," the doctor explains. "He just has better insurance."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, masturbation, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 1:03 PM

During college orientation the chancellor address the incoming class. "The girls' dormitory will be off-limits to male students," he said. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 for the first infraction, $100 the second time it happens and $250 if he is caught again."

A male student stood up and shouted, "How much for a season pass?"

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 6:24 PM

A man walked into a doctor's office without an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" asked the pretty receptionist.

"I need some information from the doctor," the man siad. "It's rather embarrassing ... I have a large and almost constant erection."

"Well, Doc is busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 12:38 AM

Two coeds went to the movies one night. In the middle of the feature, one girl leaned over to the other and whispered, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating."

"Don't do anything," her friend said. "Just sit there and ignore him."

"I can't," the first girl replied. "He's using my hand."

Labels: dirty, funny, joke, masturbation

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 2:53 AM

A husband asked his wife to go to the hardware store and buy a door hinge for him. She went to the store, picked out the hinge and headed to the cashier. The clerk noticed that she didn't have any fasteners for it. "Do you want a screw for that hinge?" he asked.


"No," she said, "but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window."

Labels: dirty, funny, joke

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 1:44 AM