The Dirty Joke

A man came home very late to find his wife waiting at the door. "You've been out fucking around, haven't you?" she asked angrily.

"Nope," he said, smiling drunkenly.

"The explain the lipstick on your shirt!" she shouted.

"That's easy," he replied. "I used my shirt to wipe off my dick."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 11:26 AM

"How do you get a baby?" a little girl asked her mother.

"Mom and Dad make love," the mother said. "Dad puts his penis in Mom's vagina, and that's how you get a baby."

"Mom, last night I saw that Dad had his penis in your mouth," the girl said. "What do you get from that?"

The mother replied, "Jewelry."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 8:21 AM

A trumpeter is hired to play music for a movie but isn't told what the movie is about. Two months later, he receives a notice that the movie will debut at an adult theater. On the night of the show, he wears a trench coat and shades to avoid being seen and sits in the back row of the theater next to an elderly woman. For the next two hours, he watches a hardcore porn where the lead actress has sex with a dog.

"I wrote the score," the man whispers to the elderly woman partway through. "I just came to hear the music."

"That's nice," she whispers back. "I just came to see my dog."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 12:19 PM

A man escapes prison, breaks into a house, and finds a couple sleeping. He orders the husband out of the bed at knifepoint and ties him to a chair. While tying his wife to the bed, he kisses her neck for a minute. Then the criminal gets up and goes to the bathroom.

The husband hurriedly leans over and whispers to his wife, "This guy is an escaped convict. He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist - just do whatever he tells you, and with any luck we'll make it out alive. Stay strong, honey. I love you."

"Oh, he wasn't kissing my neck," his wife whispers back. "He was talking in my ear. He told me he thought you were really cute and then asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom under the sink. Stay strong, honey. I love you, too."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 2:38 AM

Did you hear what the bath tub said to the toilet?

"Yeah, I see a lot of ass, too, but I don't take any shit!"

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 4:09 AM

A doctor is showing a nursing intern around the hospital. The doctor opens the door of the first examination room, revealing a naked man masturbating.

Embarrassed, the intern declares, "Doctor, that's disgusting!"

The doctor shuts the door and explains, "Mr. Kemp has a serious condition. If he doesn't pleasure himself four times a day, his genitals will swell to a painful size."

The intern calms down and the two continue. The doctor opens the next door to reveal a nurse giving a patient a blowjob.

The intern is shocked. "What the hell is going on in there?" she demands.

"The patient has the same condition as Mr. Kemp," the doctor explains. "He just has better insurance."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, masturbation, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 1:03 PM

A man walked into a doctor's office without an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" asked the pretty receptionist.

"I need some information from the doctor," the man siad. "It's rather embarrassing ... I have a large and almost constant erection."

"Well, Doc is busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

Labels: dirty, funny, humor, humour, joke, x-rated, xxx

// posted by Dirty Bulldog @ 12:38 AM